Update:
Turns out the plug had been compromised/damaged prior to me purchasing the bike. Was basically a ticking timebomb waiting for me to get enough water on the bike that it would get in and fry the controller.
Dealership played the "no warrantee, you bought it as is" card. Insurance said it was a manufacturing defect (never bothered calling the shop, looking at the bike, or even looking at the pictures that the shop took. Told me no, fuck off, and stopped answering my calls), and zero initially agreed with the shop after discussing it with them, saying it was unfortunate, but ultimately my problem.
So my $15k bike was tagged with a +$5000 repair bill just to put it back on the road after one month of ownership, with no wrongdoing on my part- pretty shit deal eh?
SO. After the initial options were exhausted, i contacted the regional Zero rep, asking for direct communication and elevation of my issue to whoever i had to bug.
I ended up talking to a guy from zero directly, i'd love to say his name, but i dont want to potentially cause him any unintended hassle, but despite what i have seen in some of the other posts, i gotta say WOW. A few phone calls back and forth, and they covered the damaged parts for me, and made sure i was taken care of. Looks like i'm still getting tagged for the labor on the install, but it's still a hell of a lot better than the prior number (and the labor is out of zero's hands, understandably). The customer service i got from them was top notch, i'm very happy with how they dealt with it all, especially considering the bike had been out of warrantee for a while.
Not an ideal situation by any means, but looks like its likely resolved. Keep your plugs safe, people.