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[Richard230]

Now that we own electric motorcycles and don't have to work on them all that much, the real usefulness of tools can finally be told:

 DRILL PRESS:
 A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted race car part you were drying.

 WIRE WHEEL;
 Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

 ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
 Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 PLIERS:
 Used to round off bolt heads.

 HACKSAW:
 One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 VISE-GRIPS:
 Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
 Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
 Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
 Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
 Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

 TWEEZERS:
 A tool for removing wood splinters.

 PHONE:
 Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
 Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.

 E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
 A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
 A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

 CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER:
 A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
 See hacksaw.

 TROUBLE LIGHT:
 The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
 Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 AIR COMPRESSOR:
 A machine that takes energy produced in a Nuclear power plant far away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

 PRY BAR:
 A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

 HAMMER:
 Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
  Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

 DAMMIT TOOL:
 Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

 EXPLETIVE:
 A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

[CrashCash]

You know you've been wrenching on motorcycles too long when:

* All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.
* You think a CM200T cam-chain makes a nice bracelet.
* Your garage has better A/C than the house.
* Your garage has more square feet than the house.
* You refer to your garage as a "four bike garage".
* You find your tools in your bathrobe pockets.
* You can recite the torque values for 90% of the fasteners on your motorcycle's frame and engine.
* You know the valve clearances in all your bikes by heart.
* You have part numbers memorized.
* You can't use the sink because it's still full of carb parts.
* You've got more motorcycle parts in the dishwasher than dishes.
* You have service manuals for bikes you've never owned.
* You think your next tattoo should be a "torque calibration" on your elbow.
* You can ID the make and model of a bike just by the engine sound.
* People do not recognize you with a clean face.
* You have ever found a major problem by a sound you heard.
* Someone said you know "the trick" to removing/installing that.
* You have ever had to torque something more than you weigh.
* You've made corrections to your factory service manual.
* You trim your nails with a pair of safety-wire dykes.
* You look at a new bike model and the first thing you think about is how difficult it is to change the tires, brake pads, etc.
* Your buddy's bike breaks down on a ride and you've got all the parts/tools to fix it.
* You can quote parts of the "Honda Common Service Manual" verbatim.
* You don't need no stinkin' tire machine to mount & balance tires.
* You own a tire machine.
* Your main interest in "Art of the Motorcycle" was seeing the evolution of "how they did things".
* You know who Kevin Cameron, Al Luddington, Jim Allen, Erv Kanemoto, and Jeremy Burgess are, and can list all the racers that Al, Erv, or Jerry have wrenched for.
* You're not allowed near the Snap-On Tools truck without adult supervision.
* You know the Tucker-Rocky catalog better than the parts guy does.
* You've had to explain how something works/comes apart/goes together to the shop tech.
* You've had to repair a buddy's bike after it came back from the shop. Your own bikes never go to the shop, of course.
* You can list all the steps and tools necessary to remove your carbs off the top of your head.
* You can tell if a bolt takes a 16mm or 17mm socket just by a quick glance.
* You own more than half a dozen Vise Grip variations, including the one for clutch baskets.
* You'll loan your closest friends money, but not your tools.
* You know what a "homologation special" is, and how to make it run right on the street.
* Your month-old economy-size bottle of "Fast Orange" is only half-full.
* A guest asks "where's the hand soap?" - you point at the "Fast Orange" and she's not surprised.
* You play "spot the mechanical impossibilities" when looking at motorcycle art.
* The thing you drool over most on "American Chopper" is Vinnie's CNC machine.
* There are tire irons and a beadbreaker on your bathroom floor.

[laramie LC4]

been selling parts out of my garage like crazy to fund my FX buy. got me looking around at all the space i had devoted to bikes, tools, oils, dirty oils, filters, filter oils, spark plugs, consumable spare parts, ....

gonna have lot's of room once done. miss's might even be able to park in my 2 car garage. but, let's not get to crazy yet. 

laters,

laramie